NOT SO “DRY” JANUARY!
HOW I EMBRACED DRY JANUARY IN THE MIDST OF A FLOOD: A RETROSPECTIVE INTO MY JOURNEY
I GUESS I’M WHAT YOU WOULD CALL A GREY AREA DRINKER: I DON’T SIP FROM A BOTTLE IN A PAPER BAG ON A PARK BENCH (THOUGH I HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO SMUGGLE WINE INTO A CONCERT IN A WATER BOTTLE) BUT I DO DRINK EVERY NIGHT “TO RELAX”, “TO DE-STRESS” , “TO SOCIALISE” .
MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY WOULD SOMETIMES SUGGEST I MODERATE MY DRINKING BUT I NEVER THOUGHT I HAD A PROBLEM: I HAVE WILLPOWER I CAN STOP ANYTIME! WELL HERE WE GO -TIME TO PUT THAT STATEMENT INTO PRACTICE - JANUARY 2023 AND I’M GOING TO DO DRY JANUARY! DOES IT GO ACCORDING TO PLAN: WELL NOT REALLY ON SO MANY DIFFERENT LEVELS!
1 SO LET US BEGIN!
So strictly speaking my DAY 1 is not the 1st January, for a couple of reasons My daughter had bought tickets for us both to see The Nutcracker, as a Christmas present: it’s on the 7th January and I think I’d rather start afterwards, but also, and this is an important also, I decided to get some help on my journey and have joined a group challenge organised by the incredible Sarah Rusbatch : their collective start date is 8th January. Prior to DAY 1 I had decided to arm myself for the fight and had read a book, This Naked Mind which told me all about the internal fight between my conscious and unconscious thought and boy on the evening of DAY 1 is it there: I know I need to stop, this is my DAY 1 after all, but the small voice inside (we will call her The Wine Witch) is niggling and wheedling and begging me to “Start tomorrow, what difference does a day make?”, “Just have a couple: no need to stop altogether”, you get the idea. And The Wine Witch that first night is very very loud.. but I talk her down and kick her out of the room: I can still hear her spitting and shouting next door but she is muffled!
My other issue is what to drink instead. Should I drink AF (Alcohol Free) wine - wine being my tipple of choice - and risk it tempting me to the real thing or should I drink something else entirely? The first evening I tip down the sink: 1 glass of diet tonic, 1 glass of rhubarb and raspberry tonic, 1 glass of orange juice and soda, 1 glass of AF cider. I end up drinking coffee which is without doubt the worst possible replacement: fast forward to a sleepless night and splitting headache the next day!
2 SLEEPLESS IN SALISBURY AND OTHER IRRITATIONS
DAYS 2, 3 & 4 are mainly dominated by headaches, confusion and lack of sleep. I’m used to falling into bed and into a deep sleep (not a proper deep restorative sleep but sleep non the less) so lying awake for hours is weird and really very distressing. When I do wake up I have the beginnings of a hangover - how is that possible when i’ve not drunk? The headaches last 3-4 days and I drink more water than I ever have to try to hydrate the hell out of them! To be honest though , even though I feel awful, as far as drinking is concerned I don’t really want to. Now I put this down to the amazing support of the group and the Live Chats every day which are motivating and educational. Everyone is feeling these symptoms to some degree or other: herd mentality has its positives as well. The group is incredibly non-judgemental and I find myself sharing a lot of stuff about my past and my drinking habits and realise I am not alone. Do a quick google on sobriety stories and you will be surprised at what you find. Would I be managing on my own? Who knows!
I’m actually, though, a little bit scared. I’ve told people I’m doing this so what if I fail: will they think less of me? Will it just be easier to carry on as I am.. after all its only a month: is that enough to reverse 30 years of drinking? So why AM I doing this? Well we all have our whys but mine (without going into the gritty details) boil down to not being in control of my drinking and wanting to get back that control. I’m an all or nothing sort of gal and moderation hasn’t worked for me - so Sober Curious Ellie thinks “lets give 30 days off a go”. A reset, a detox, and perhaps I may lose weight as well - winner winner!
3 AND BREATHE
The night of DAY 5 I have the best possible sleep I have had for years. I wake up full of energy and positivity, clear headed and optimistic: I can’t understand why didn’t do this sooner! I’ve started telling more friends and family what i’m doing, I start “lecturing” my grown up children about their drinking habits. Quite frankly i’m becoming obsessed!! I did tell you I was an all or nothing gal! I know that I need to think about my self-care : I’ve thrown away my crutch and need something lean on. I go in deep with exercise, fresh air and me time, replenish with healthy food and try to fill every minute with something to do: my cupboards have never looked so clean and tidy! I realise the Wine Witch has been very quiet and wonder when she will come back cackling and shrieking in my ear. I have also found an amazing app called Insight Timer which has meditations and relaxation audios (and best of all its free) that I listen to before I go to sleep.
But my emotions are all over the place: I’m feeling quite tearful and more than a little confused, but also oddly elated. I keep smiling at everyone which they find a bit disconcerting and when faced with a work related conflict I back down and say “do it your way, I really don’t want to argue” . WHO IS THIS PERSON?
And therein lies the problem: Ellie when out is the extrovert, life and soul who gets drunk, is loud, falls down (sometimes) but is always fun.. am I going enjoy going out without drinking .. Shall I just not go out until the challenge is over? Hmmm…
4 WATER WATER EVERYWHERE…
So DAY 6 makes the decision for me! First a little bit of history: 9 years ago we flooded really badly: the whole downstairs of our house was full of water, we had a spring burst up through the sitting room floor like a small fountain and afterwards we were without furniture downstairs for 6 months whilst the house was dried out and renovated. Back to now: its DAY 6 and it has been raining solidly for weeks: the water table is very high, the well in our garden (48ft deep) is full to the brim and the garden is like a pond! We start pumping water from the well and our overflow sumps around the property and monitor the water table app avidly.
Here might be a great place to look at what triggers me to drink. I won’t go into my whole history: far too complex for a blog post but, like many people, I enjoy a glass of wine or 3 with a meal or a glass of fizz in a cocktail bar .. we eat out a lot, especially at Italian restaurants, and I adore a nice Veneto Ripasso. But I also drink at home - on my own- when I’ve had a stressful day, a good day, when I’m cooking, sitting in the garden in the evening, watching TV, reading a book .. so many excuses so many “wine pairing” opportunities! So lets backtrack .. when i’ve had a stressful day … and DAY 6 is turning, theoretically, into being a very stressful day. Do you know what .. lightbulb moment.. although I’m anxious, I’m actually calm, organised, pragmatic and have no inclination at all to block it all out with a drink!
5 TESTING TIMES
I wake up on DAY 7 feeling positive and motivated to work. My husband is about go out to play golf and says he’ll come back if the water situation gets worse. Just as he is about to leave I step in a puddle of water … in my sitting room! Action stations: vax out, sandbags in, furniture moves upstairs or onto blocks, trench digging begins in back garden to try to divert water. I hoover out water all day and incredibly still feel calm and positive. I genuinely feel that had I been drinking for the past week I would not feel like this. I remember well when this happened 9 years ago .. I was stressed beyond all comprehension and an emotional wreck. My group Live today is on how life is better without alcohol and I can certainly say that I cope with stress far better without it.
So what else has changed? I have a lot of time to think as I constantly remove water from the house. Well I no longer have to justify my drinking or leave the empty bottle in the fridge in the hope my husband won’t notice! I no longer have to worry we have enough wine to last the weekend or that I may have to drive and not be able to drink. I no longer have to make deals with myself and complicated self imposed rules (only drink at the weekend, only have one drink, dont drink until 7pm etc) . I no longer have regrets after drinking too much or all the apologising that goes with it (if you drink you know what I’m talking about!). And I really do have boundless energy and a clear head. I can see the future and the future is bright.
Its DAY 7, we are flooding (definitely not a DRY JANUARY for us) and I honestly think I might be done with alcohol!