Empty Nest? NOW what am I supposed to do???
"A Mother’s Job is to teach her children not to need her anymore. The biggest challenge is to accept success"
Anon
1. MILD SEPTEMBER BRINGS THE FRUIT …
….Well, so Sara Coleridge tells us in her poem. Sadly for many of us it also means the loss of the fruit of our loins as our now nearly-grown children pack their rucksacks, boxes and air-fryers and head off to Uni for the start of term. There is an actual syndrome that goes with this issue and although its not a recognised clinical diagnosis it has some very real symptoms: a feeling of loss, of grief, of sadness and of loneliness and sometimes, if it lingers it can actually lead to depression. I have gone through the process 3 times now and, believe me, it didn’t get any easier with habitualization! I expected to be thrilled at the opportunity of having the house to myself: no loud music, no stream of other people’s teenage children walking unannounced through my kitchen door all hours of the day and night (actually I’ve always rather liked that!),no waiting in the dark outside house parties at 1am (I definitely didn’t relish that!), no wet towels left in a heap on the bathroom floor, no empty shelves in the fridge 10 minutes after returning from the supermarket. You get the idea!
But I wasn’t thrilled at all. My overriding emotion was grief. I grieved for my babies who now no longer needed me, I grieved for the fact I could no longer call myself “a mother” in the nurturing sense of the word, I grieved for the loss of control (hmm thats not a great thing to admit to), I grieved for all the things hadn’t done with them and all the things I hadn’t said and all the things I felt I’d got wrong: the regrets. It was, I know, irrational, they were on the end of a phone, would return (in the case of the boys, regularly, to get their washing done) and had been away before (holidays, visiting their dad who lived in the US, gap years.. the list goes on) So what made this different? I think it’s because leaving for University (or equally to live with a partner or for a new job and so on) is a full stop not a comma. It’s a step straight into adulthood: suddenly they have grown up and everything from now on (although we hope they will still seek our advice) is down to them, they have jumped out of the safety of the nest to fly solo. And what’s worse is (as well as them feeling the inevitable trepidation) they seem excited to leave!
2. ready steady go
One of the keys to coping with Empty Nest Syndrome is to be prepared. The role of parent is such a meaningful role, tangled up in an emotional knot of love, pride, disappointment, concern, joy, fear, hope and so much more. When so much emotion is involved in the role then no wonder any changes to that role will be difficult. If you are a single parent, have only one child, it’s your youngest child, have children who are in some way vulnerable or if you lack a strong social network then the change is likely to be even harder to bear. But there are ways to ease into the change.
Shop smart
My first tip, before they go, is to get involved in the shopping! There will be the now right-of-passage trip to the labyrinthine IKEA for plates, mugs and salad spinners (yeah don’t bother!). Try and show enthusiasm. What seems mundane to you is monumental to them. Here is your chance to add something for them to take that will remind them of home, of you, or even just the shopping trip. I have bought each of my children a door stop: if their door is open, even if they are shy, people will say hello to them. A photo frame with family pics is a great addition to the bookshelf. Let them buy new bed linen (their childhood duvet cover might not be the vibe they want to give out, and anyway, you want to keep their bed made for when they pop home for the weekend!) I’m not the greatest cook but I do like to send my children away with a couple of meals (the first week they may forget to eat) and some home baked cakes (to share with their new flat mates). But never, and I stress this, turn up uninvited with a casserole. No need either to arrive unannounced with a food parcel: an Ocado delivery will be very well received though, just not at 8am on a Sunday morning!
Skip the Guilt Trip
Focus on your child’s best interests. Remember that your child might already feel guilty leaving home so don’t pile more on them by telling them how much you’ll miss them. Be excited for them, be proud of the young adult they have become. Allow them to grow. Encourage, praise, plan with them. And that means making no comment if they don’t pack their much loved teddy (they usually do anyway in my experience) or the sensible interview shoes. Don’t be tempted to come to the rescue every time you think you need to. The days of helicopter parenting are definitely over. They will find a dentist, you needn't make an appointment with the family practice (yeah, I see you!), they will seek out a doctor if in dire need: they made it to Uni they will definitely be able to navigate google to find the doctors surgery. And no need give unsolicited advice: if they want help they’ll ask for it. Yes, they will make mistakes, they will fail, but you need to let them as it is from their mistakes that they will grow.
Safety First
If you are worried about their safety then by all means address your concerns if they are willing. Moving to a big city if they have lived in a rural backwater can be a big shock and preparation is key. There are several companies that offer safety courses (designed really for gap year students) which give invaluable advice that’s transferable to the university situation. Make sure your child knows that calling you at 3am is absolutely okay if they are at all concerned. My daughter regularly called me on her way home from the Student’s Union at 2 in the morning: we’d chat until she was home safely and it was comforting to us both. Have the drugs and alcohol conversations but don’t go overboard: “keep your hand on your drink at all times”, “be a rebel and say no when you want to say no” and “never accept an open bottle from a stranger” is the sum of my parental drink/drugs advice! If drinking isn’t part of your culture then this can be doubly hard. You worry that their choices will set them at a tangent to their expected social, cultural or religious norms. If you have done your job right you have nothing to worry about. Trust that they will be the same person outside the nest that they were within it. 99% of the time this holds true.
Contract it out
Make a contract with your child that they check in a certain number of times a week/month, or on a certain day. It only takes a second to text I’m good! Just busy! if they don’t have time to call. The flip side of the contract is that if they don’t check in you will text them ruthlessly until they do so! I was very lucky that my children allowed me to follow them on Instagram (as did many of their friends: I was the cake lady remember!) and this was a great way of having a peek at what they were doing outside of study even if if gave me a bit of a sense of FOMO and a nostalgia for my own time at Uni. But I have also experienced not having contact with a child and it was worrying. They were fine, just busy, but I didn’t know that at the time. The contract takes away that stress. But it has to be on their terms, and with their time frame. Communicate what works and what doesn’t: in the end it will help your relationship move forwards and you will both value the adult to adult relationship more.
Supporting cast
My final piece of advice in the pre-leaving stage is to connect with other parents going through the same thing. I had a great support network of other mums whose children were leaving at the same time and, after they left, we got together once a month for supper at one or other’s house to share stories and swap coping strategies. On odd occasions the Empty Nest Child of that house would be home on a visit and we all enjoyed living vicariously through that lucky mum for an evening!
“If you want to live a happy life, tie it to a goal not to people or things”
Albert Einstein
3. time to hit the relationship reset button
When our children leave home we are hit by an emotional steam train. For me the overriding emotion was grief, a perceived feeling of loss and longing. Alongside this I felt anxious: I was no longer close by to pick up the pieces and tended to catastrophise every small imagined incident. I also had a huge sense of nostalgia which is still with me and comes in waves when I, for instance, walk on the beach and see families digging in the sand together. It’s irrational I know: life moves forward and change is inevitable. Other symptoms of Empty Nest Syndrome include frustration, sadness, loss of identity (more on that later), loss of control, loneliness (especially for single parents) depression and marital stress. This last one is a big one: we are suddenly left alone in the house with someone we no longer really know, with nothing to talk about other than “I wonder what Harry/Harriet is doing now!” . No longer can we escape for the day to watch the kids play hockey, avoid talking by helping with their homework, shrug off being intimate in case the children hear. Its difficult to wind back the clock and perhaps that’s not what’s needed. This is a new chapter and although the previous chapters have brought us to this point we should think of this as a new start with a new agenda.
So what might be some ways to reconnect with your partner? Here are a few ideas:
• Take a trip down memory lane: revisit the places where you spent time before children, maybe when you were dating, maybe where you spent your honeymoon
• Make a regular date night. It doesn’t have to be a restaurant, think outside the box: a picnic and a board game, a walk-on the beach, a balloon ride
• Take up a joint hobby. My husband suggested ballroom dancing:we have yet to try it!
• Go on a trip: somewhere the children never wanted to go, or an adventure you could never have done with them in tow. Financial pressures of having a child at Uni may be prescriptive so again think outside of the box: could you volunteer abroad or take a 2 man tent and hit the trains across Europe?
• Get a dog! A dog can be a tie and this is a decision which should never be taken lightly but a dog is a great way to reconnect, a sort of surrogate child without the worry and stress. I so look forward to our evening dog walks: we get together to discuss the day, free from the stress of cooking supper or the TV and in addition it guarantees an hour outside regardless of the weather.
4. So what the hell am i supposed to do with my time?
Whether you are a stay-at-home mum or work full time you will undoubtedly have more time on your hands once the children have flown the nest. It’s easy to feel sorry for yourself and pour another glass of wine or to live your life on hold until they come home for the weekend but ultimately this is not a drill, this is your life now and for the next few decades. (Unless of course they are boomerang babies and end up back in the nest when the housing market shuts them out!) It’s important to practice some self care, exercise regularly, invest in yourself (time, money and space), get to know your now adult children and what really makes them tick, acknowledge your feelings as they are normal, give yourself time to adapt, stay positive but, if you feel totally overwhelmed seek professional help. Stay upbeat. This was always going to happen. You spent your whole life training them to do just this!
So let’s think of the positives:
More freedom
Better connection with your partner and improved intimacy
Self actualisation: you can reallocate resources to yourself
Celebrating your child’s achievements
Pride in your children succeeding
Fewer day to day stresses
Less laundry
Full fridge
Peace and quiet
Not being a taxi service
I could go on….
But the extra time I hear you shout, So what the hell am I supposed to do with that extra time? How do I fill the gaping void left in the daily routine? And who the hell am I if i’m not a mother? Yup, its a big elephant sitting in the corner isn’t it! Well this is where pursuing your own goals comes in. This is the perfect time when you have time on your hands to do the things you have put off, to make the big dreams into reality, to do your own bit of flying. Make a list of all the things you’ve always wanted to achieve. Dream big! Want to climb to Everest Base camp? Add it to the list. Want to write a novel? Add it to the list. Want to start your own pottery business? Add it to the list. Setting goals for your future will not only distract you from the pain of Empty Nest Syndrome but will also give you a new sense of identity. In a year’s time when you take your child back to Uni for their 2nd year and their flat mate’s mum asks you what you do for a living how amazing would it be to be able to answer, “Well actually I run my own pottery business and studio”. How fulfilled would you feel? How different to how you feel right now with that big gaping hole in the nest.
And how do I even start?
5. so how do i decide what to do? How to i make my dreams reality?
First of all I want to let you know you are not alone: you are starting from where you are which is at the beginning of your journey. Everyone has been there: Indra Nooyi, Melinda Gates, Oprah Winfrey, they all started at the beginning and they all had doubt and indecision.
What they also all had was a growth mindset:
A fixed mindset says "I can't do that"
A growth mindset says "I can't do that yet"
They all knew that through hard work, determination and setting goals they could achieve great things. You may already have an idea about what you could do with all this spare time. You may have a dream you are just waiting to realise. Setting goals is your next step.
Why are goals so important?
We could be successful without goal setting, but it would be a lot more pot luck. Goals give us:
• Direction
• Choice
• Motivation
• Achievement
• Sense of accomplishment
• Reduce stress (yes, really)
• Save time
• Help you stay positive
• Help you get what you want
The definition of a goal is : the result or achievement toward which effort is directed; an aim. A goal in it's most basic form gives you your what, your where, your actions required and your why. Its helps you to know what you want and whether what you are doing takes you closer to what you want. It is a direction, an aim not necessarily an end.
So see this challenging time not as one of loss but one of growth, motivation and the development of a new identity. See it as a new journey that you are undertaking, a new perspective on life. And what better time than right now to take that journey, running parallel to the amazing journey your child is taking. Seize the moment:
“every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end”
Seneca
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